flnerd

1. My family - they're fun, grounded and offer a side of me I don't express nearly enough.
2. Friends - while we may not see each other as much as I'd like they've still leant their threads to this magnificent cloth that's been weaving in my life - and each contribution is beautiful and unique.
3. Free therapy at school! Looking forward to finally tackling some issues that have eluded me for a while.
4. Shitty professors who try to knock us down - you give me inspiration to work harder.
5. Showers - even though I think they're a pain in my butt and take too much time, they aleviate feeling gross.

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I'm not happy. But I'm open to becoming happy.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

I apologize to those who read this and see it as yet another rehash of my perceived losses, clearly I'm doing something to remedy this, but every now and then I need a moment to purge myself - this is one of those moments.

Something a friend I made in Montpellier during my study abroad experience struck a chord with me...  He and I came out around the same time in France, and we were pretty much in the same level courses during our stay and the same social circle, so I read his "25 things about me" on facebook and was so touched by his honest responses that I left a message.  In turn he replied, asking how I was, asking if I kept up my French and noted that I was "always better" at it than him.  Oh?  Oh.  Wow, so that means at the very least that a mere 6 years ago I was highly revered for my abilities, and now?  Well, I suppose I'm lucky that I haven't lost it altogether, but it's certainly not where it was 6 years ago.  (I can't believe it's been that long - feels like a different lifetime.)

I worry that my French isn't good enough for UB, but I remind myself that regardless of their decision I still have 7 months to work on it and improve, and I can do a lot of catching up in that time. 

Of course, however, my mind is wont to drift to the negative despite the positive and starts to think of all the possibilities...  What if I had gone and taught in France for a year after college?  I was accepted.  Why the f*ck did I think it was such a good idea to stay with Tori instead?  Why did I think it was a good idea to date her in the first place?  Actually, I think it was just because I was trying to get over someone else and she was the first person who paid me any attention.  What a regret.  But!  I have to look at the positive, I learned a lot about myself and grew immeasurably during that time.  Even so...

I know that I need to not think of, not worry about the "what ifs" of the past, and instead concentrate on the "what can be's" of the future, yet every so often my mind drifts back to that place and asks the questions...

As I wrote to Dr McEwen in a letter explaining to her why French and why right now, it does feel like the right time.  Even though I would have to go to Buffalo for the week, and I would miss my family terribly, I wouldn't worry about them being there or loving me, I trust them and their love entirely, which is a great support to have.  I have a new appreciation for education and no longer take it for granted - I used to be quite cocky about it, but I can't be anymore; I've been appropriately knocked back a few pegs.

Ooh, side thought!  Michele recommended to me last night that I check out course syllabi at UB and see what books they're reading so that I can read along too!  This would give me, maybe not an advantage, but an idea of how things flow and at what pace, etc...  Forget being upset, I'm going to go do that!!